Anyway, because I use one of those lightweight rechargeable carpet sweepers every day or so to police the littered landscape of visible crumbs and assorted nuts around our couch (the detritus of our nightly TV snacking frenzy), I literally cannot remember the last time I actually vacuumed. I mean beater-brush Hoover kind of vacuuming. I cannot remember.
I absolutely hate "real" vacuuming. I am not good at it. I bump into furniture with the stupid thing, I knock stuff over, I get mad and yank the dining room chairs out of the way, flinging them headlong into more unsuspecting furniture, I just hate it. I pretty much hate anything requiring "elbow grease". For instance, I also hate mopping, like with a bucket and everything. So I use the Swiffer wet mop method on the kitchen floor. Easy peasy.
Actually, I have several "methods" of housekeeping to trick myself into at least attempting to clean. Which, as I mentioned, I hate. One such method is the very reliable "Kleenex method" of bathroom cleaning, taught to me by my late mother-in-law, whereby you simply grab a few Kleenex from the tissue box nearby, and deftly wipe up the unsightly water spots and schmutz around your bathroom sink and toilet. Voila! And lest you think this is a wasteful practice, let me assure you that Kleenex are a completely renewable resource. There are LOTS more boxes of them at the store.
Other "methods" include the scatter-shot method, where I bounce from mess to mess with no plan nor forethought. ("Oh look, there's a smudge on that mirror. Better wipe that off. Ooh, there's a spot on the rug over there, better spot clean that with the spray cleaner. Oops, there's makeup on the dresser, better wipe that off." Etcetera.) Also the "do one thing today" method, because it's all I can handle. Like the aforementioned vacuuming. And of course, the "one room at a time" method. I just finished one of these in our bedroom. I did a fairly thorough top to bottom cleaning, (how do the baseboards get like that?) taking my time and stretching it out throughout the day. Of course, now I'm so traumatized by the herculean effort, I'm not sure when I'll get to the next room. Maybe by December sometime.
Oddly, I do not hate doing laundry, although I simply "forget" to do it until the hamper begins to bulge and vibrate and spit sleeves and socks out its mouth. And someday I'll tell you about my patented "magic fold" of bedsheets, that allows you to place the clean folded sheet back on the bed in such a way that you casually pull back the folds and replace your sheet perfectly without all the wild flapping and running laps around the mattress. Got your interest, haven't I?
Well, now that I have cleansed my soul, and confessed my domestic shortcomings, I think I'll take a nap. The bed's all made and it's the only room in the house that's clean.
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