Life As Route 301

Wow. It's been WAY too long since I've written anything. I've probably lost all my loyal fans by now. (yuk yuk)

It occurred to me while traveling back to Florida from the great North East a few weeks ago, that life should be more like route 301. Route 301 in Florida runs in close parallel with big old Route 75, which is the major highway running the length of Florida. Little old 301 is the old road, kind of like the legendary Route 66 used to be. It used to be THE road to travel north and south in Florida, the way 66 used to be THE road to travel West across the country. Now little old 301 is largely a trip back in time. The same tacky fruit and souvenir stands I remember from our trips down here when I was five are still there. I don't think the signs have even been painted since then. Sure, there are some Burger Kings and CVS stores now along the more populated areas, but it's still Old Florida for much of the way. And there is some really nice countryside along the way. Beautiful scenery and gorgeous thoroughbred horse farms. But that's not even why I think life should be more like route 301. It's the speed traps.


If you get a Trip Tik from AAA to take you from Southern Florida to anywhere in the North, they won't even plot your course along 301 in North Florida. The green highlighter pen veers off course to the west and takes you about 100 miles out of the way just to stay on 75 and avoid that section of 301, which, if you look at the map, is obviously the most direct way to route 95, where you want to be. You look at your Trip Tik and say, "Hey, how come you got me going so far away from that direct route there?" And the nice lady answers something like, "Oh, you don't want to go that way." You wonder if this is where the scary movie music would begin. Whatever you do, stay away from route 301! So you think, I'll bite, and you ask why. Two words. "Speed traps."(Scary movie music goes chung chung!)


And they ain't kiddin. Along this 60 mile stretch of old Florida road we got us some speed traps. In fact (and this is the truth) there are huge billboards advertising the speed traps ahead. This ain't no sneaky Don Knots hiding behind a bush hoping to catch you unawares. They want you to KNOW. You WILL slow down going through our fair towns. Don't want no fancy pants Yankee in a red Corvette tearing it up through Starke or Lawtey or Waldo. We got women and children that live along these roads. You WILL respect our safety and you WILL follow our speed limit. And they got the manpower to git 'er done. Law enforcement must be the number one career choice around there.


And here's the thing. Everyone DOES follow the speed limits. I mean big burley truckers start lowering those gears at the first speed limit sign in every town. Fancy pants Yankees in red Corvettes shed their bravado as they crawl through town at exactly 30 mph, next to the guy in a battered '68 Ford pickup. Pride has no place here. Arrogance will cost you money. You obey or you pay. Simple.

And that's why I think life should be more like route 301. Everybody knows the rules, we all get fair warning, and everybody does what they're supposed to. I like that idea. And we get to see some really nice scenery along the way.